7 Mistakes To Avoid After a Break-up or Divorce

You are tempted to stay home alone or to keep yourself over busy to avoid being alone

You are experiencing your first weekend without your children

You feel that you’ll never rebuild your life divorcing after 50

What can you do and avoid to limit the damage and protect yourself? Here are my top 7 things to avoid following a break-up or a divorce.

1. Don’t build habits that work against you

Building healthier habits can take a few weeks, but can stick if you're consistent. As you start a new life with a new routine, make the effort sooner rather than later to choose habits that are working for you and not against you in your development. What I mean here is find a balance and be mindful of your habits. For example, avoid falling into the habit of having a glass of wine every night because you need it to get through the evening. Having a glass of wine in the evening can be a beneficial habit when enjoying with friends chatting over dinner. Are you doing it for the right reasons and what are you getting out of it?

2. Don’t procrastinate

Perfection doesn't exist, it is best to decide between A and B and then check: if the decision made is not working then change direction. It is better to do something rather over nothing. You might be wondering about the organisation with your ex-partner if you have children together, or where to live, what to do with your life. Try one option for a few weeks and see how it goes.

3. Don’t act like a victim

I of course mean to not minimise what you have been through, your situation may have been very traumatic, with a violent or unfaithful person. Whether you decided to leave, the mental and emotional damages can be huge. What I encourage you to do is to place yourself as the main character in your life. A life you will control from now on. You are not a victim, you can recover, if there are no victims there are no persecutors. This attitude will help break a vicious circle of looking for some rescue and blaming your persecutor (your ex!). You have the strength in you to get out of this auto-pilot behaviour. Should you decide to work with me, I can help you find the solution within you.

4. Don’t forget self-care

This is what we tend to forget, especially under stressful and traumatic situations. And it is the most important thing to remember! Imagine a friend in your situation, what would you advise them? What can you do on a daily, weekly basis that is directly addressing your self care routine? What makes you feel good? How about any of the following:

  • Exercise - running, cycling, dancing, walking
  • A hot bath
  • A good movie or book
  • Dinner with fiends
  • Something creative?

Sometimes we are too tired to make the effort after a long day at work even to do to something pleasurable. Don’t fall into this trap! And remember this can help you build a habit that works for you (mistake #1).

5. Don’t forget your support network

Asking for help is not shameful, people in general like helping. Would you turn down a friend or a family member if they asked for your help? At the start of your new life, and it could be months after your divorce, you may realise you can’t do it alone. Make a list of your network, you will find a lot of people with different skills. Do you need someone handy to help in your new house? Do you need someone to pick the kids from school when you have an important meeting at work? Or simply going back to self care, do you need some “me time”? Anything and anyone, don’t be afraid to ask! What have you got to lose? What worse could happen? Getting a no for an answer? Well you won’t ask this person again!

6. Don’t forget to laugh

I know, it can sound trivial. I know the last thing you want to do is laugh right now. You are going over and over in your head the recent events, break-up, divorce and all the upset and upheaval that go with it. The fear of the unknown, the guilt, the anger.. Changing your mindset is key when you go on a life changing journey. There are many interpretations and reactions possible to a same event. Imagine a different reaction to a recent stressful event? What can you think instead, what can you say to yourself? What positive element can you bring to this story? This mindset is vital for recovery. Make a list of the positive in each situation, even just one thing!

7. Don’t stop believing

What I mean here is don’t stop believing in yourself, in your capacity to recover. You are probably experiencing a drop in your confidence and self-esteem at the moment. Can you be, again, a confident person? Can you seduce someone ever again? Find a meaningful relationship? Or just be yourself and happy to be on your own? Coaching will help you understand who you are, find your voice and be happy in your own company. Don’t underestimate the power of visualising your success! You can reach your goals!

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