How To Feel Seen and Heard In Your Long-Term Marriage

Life Coach at The Door W4, Audrey Zeitoun shares with you a case study of a client who rekindled her relationship of 40+ years and how they got their ‘mojo’ back.

I would like to tell you the story of Laura.

Laura has a very comfortable life, she is married with 2 children and works from home as a consultant. Her husband travels a lot for work, so she often finds herself alone dealing with 2 teenagers, the house and all the organisation of the family (hobbies, travels, admin..). She feels unseen and unheard by her husband, he has become distant and doesn’t understand Laura’s perspective or how to help. She doesn’t feel appreciated anymore and she feels taken for granted. Between them, there is a lot of blame, frustration and resentment.

Laura feels trapped in this unhappy routine and cycle in her marriage and doesn’t know how to get out of it, but she doesn’t want to give up before she’s tried everything she can to save the relationship. She tried to suppress her feelings of hurt, anger and loneliness but resentment started to build and she was losing the motivation to continue with her marriage and keep the family together.

How have these feelings negatively effected Laura and her relationship?

• Laura started to suppress her feelings and avoid certain conversations that could lead into an argument.
• She distracted herself by being constantly busy (unconsciously).
• She never thought that would happen to her and her marriage.
• Gradually she started to lose her confidence and the motivation to keep the family together.
• Laura and her husband gradually stopped having any intimate moments or sex.
• She felt trapped in this viscous cycle of arguments and withdrawal while still in love with her husband and witnessing her family falling apart.
• There was a lot of frustration directed onto the children and on her husband as soon as he was back from a trip. Laura was becoming more controlling and strict with her children about issues such as homework and doing chores around the house.
• Laura’s husband too was frustrated, but these feelings presented as quiet withdrawal; being less and less present during the weekend and wanting to do his own things. He too didn’t know what to do as whatever he tried, he felt it was perceived the wrong way.

What was Laura’s desired outcome?

• Laura wanted to feel excited about her life and marriage again, and didn’t want to give up what they have built over the years.
• A better relationship with her children, not just task oriented but also fun!
• To feel loved and appreciated by her husband.
• For her and her husband to listen to each other’s feelings instead of blaming and becoming defensive.
• For them to be attracted to each other again and have a fun sex life!
• To make a positive plan together about the future.
• To essentially bring fun and joy back to her life and marriage.

How is she going to achieve that?

Laura came to me not knowing what to do anymore to rebuild a united, happier marriage and family, but she was committed to making it work, which is the most important thing. You need to be dedicated and ready for change. From there, I will guide you on your journey in our coaching sessions.

How did Life Coaching sessions with me help Laura?

We went on a self-discovery journey, Laura went through a real personal and emotional transformation, which in turn positively impacted her relationship and family dynamic. She has learnt to be comfortable with the uncomfortable, such as voicing her needs to her husband and having honest conversations where she had to be vulnerable and confront their issues. Laura built up the confidence and language to communicate honestly with her husband. This in turn made her husband understand and feel safe enough to open up too. Laura developed stronger self-confidence and felt she didn’t need outside validation anymore to know her worth.

Laura expanded her focus and looked inward, her frustrations and unhappiness didn’t just stem from her husband and their issues. We addressed other issues in her life she was concerned about such as job satisfaction, friendships, health and fitness, and if her life was aligning with her values, aspirations and vision.

Laura learnt to shift her mindset from problem-focused to solution-focused which helped regulate her emotions. She understood and became aware of the unconscious and automatic self-destructive patterns she and her family were trapped in.

What else did Laura personally learn and gain the most from our sessions?

• To communicate better, without blaming and solution-focused
• Fostering appreciation for her loved ones through open conversations and letting go of control. Trusting her children and husband in their abilities such as doing well in school or getting things done around the house, to build mutual respect and create more room for personal connection.
• To identify what was important to bring up as an issue and what was better to just let go. To minimise conflict and create a better harmonious relationship and vibe within the family.
• To understand that not everybody has the same level of standard for different areas of life, so being aware means avoiding deception and frustration.
• To let go of over doing, over giving, and over advising while expecting the same in return.

How have the sessions positively impacted Laura and her relationship with her husband?

• A better communication and understanding of each other’s needs.
• More quality time is now spent with her family with much less tension and arguments.
• Her husband felt more relaxed at home as he saw the transformation of his wife, he was not triggered to start a conflict or to withdraw.
• He too understood that they were avoiding their issues and he became more open to change his habits and communicate more.
• He started to take more initiative on weekends to spend time as a family but also alone with his wife.
• Laura felt seen and heard again and they gradually shared more intimate moments and had a new fulfilling sex life.
• Of course a marriage always will have confrontation and requires work, but Laura knows how to deal with conflictual situations and how to have a more positive outcome when they disagree on something.
• Finally joy and fun are back her life and she expanded her social circle with people more aligned with the ‘new Laura’!
• She was able to relax and have more perspective on what she needed and what matters to her.

The moral of the story?

If you want to change the relationships around you, start by making changes on yourself and on what you can control. You never know what could happen! You can transform your life at any age! You can rekindle a relationship, you can improve communication and feel heard and seen again even if you are in a long-term marriage. My 360 degree approach can transform not just your initial issue, but improve other areas of your life too! Trying and being committed to the change and self growth are the first steps. It’s a journey, not a stroll, but absolutely worth it.

What would happen if you do nothing?

What would happen in a year, 5 years, 10 years if nothing changes? Or when the kids have left home? How will you feel? You have the power to make your life better now and having a professional at your side at every step of the way is often the key and driver to make improvements and change happen.

I hope you found Laura’s story inspiring!


Audrey has a wealth of expertise in relationships (including marriage, family and divorce) as well as in communication, confidence and self-esteem building. She works equally 1:1 and also with couples.

FIND OUT MORE

You can book a free 30 minute discovery call with Audrey and/or a full 1 hour consultation. Audrey is at The Door W4 every Thursday.

020 8742 8822 enquiries@thedoorw4.co.uk